The Three Best Jobs for Stupid People

October 23, 2008 by Keli.

You’ve seen lists, dear readers, in magazines and on the Internet, detailing the best places to live, retire, raise a family, work, travel, eat pizza, or do just about anything. They’re touted for their many benefits. Today, I’m going to visit the opposite end of the spectrum: the best places for stupers (short for determinedly stupid persons) to work. These are the worst places for the rest of us to work. Accountability is nonexistent, four letter words replace compassion and understanding, and customers are in for a roller coaster ride without the roller coaster.

These idiot-infested environments are where stupers tend to seek out and consistently obtain jobs. Consequently, stupidity is freely dished out to unsuspecting and innocent bystanders. Of course, not every employee at these asylums for the content-free mind is a stuper. But the overwhelming majority snugly fit into this woebegone category.

The mentally bereft are present in practically every workplace, it’s true, but in mediocre environments, ignorance and unhelpfulness are more plentiful, doled out like Snickers and Tootsie Rolls on Halloween.

I donned my lab coat (with pearl buttons, in a lovely shade of lemon) and set to work, thinking it’s high time for this list. Why? Because some of my cherished readers may be out there, right now, earnestly searching for their next gig, only to be unknowingly offered a position in one of these stuper-filled companies. Or you may have the misfortune of calling on one of these companies and being serviced by a meager mind. Beware!

Here they are:

1. Pest Control (specifically Termite) companies:

These dispensers of stupidity are routinely called in when there’s a sale of a home or a potential termite problem, proudly referred to as “evidence of infestation” (termite droppings or wood debris). A fumigation is ordered. However, take note, such droppings, usually found in attics or basements, are never vacuumed or otherwise cleaned up by the hollow-headed. So when a building or house is resold, even a few short months later, the termite company will once again inspect and find “evidence of infestation.” The very same evidence found previously. And thus the circle of lunacy continues.

I read of an unsuspecting gent, Dennis, who treated his home for termites. After an inspection of the home, Dennis was awarded a clean bill of health. Days later, he found evidence that termites were still present. A stuper inspector verified that termites had re-infested the very same area, but he insisted that these were a completely different species of termites and therefore not covered by any warranty. It cost an additional $2,500 to treat.

2. Telemarketing: self-explanatory to anyone who’s ever been on the receiving end of this aggressive brand of oversoliciting idiocy.

3. Banks: Fools are prevalent here, but harder to spot. First a quick disclaimer: At least one-third of these workers are not stupers. I’ve used the services of bank employees who are thankfully competent. But there are the others. The stupid among us.

Many, many, many years ago, we were losing our home to foreclosure. There had been a downturn in the real estate market; our residence plummeted in price. We wanted to keep it, but shouldered a hefty mortgage payment. I was told by a degenerate bank representative:

“You’ll have to sell it at a loss.”

“Can’t you reduce our payments to what they’d be if we sold it at a loss?” I asked hopefully.

“No.”

“How about just reducing our interest for a short time until market conditions improve? We have a good record.”

“No.”

“What if I sold it to my mother who then turned around and sold it to back to us?”

“That wouldn’t be right.”

“Okay; just sell it to us at the discount.”

“No. We must start the process all over again. It has to be a fresh transaction.”

Think of the money that would have been saved all around, if they’d worked with us (no real estate related fees, paperwork, etc.). Consequently, we lost our home when it was sold to a “fresh” buyer at a substantial discount.  This pitiful bank itself went under shortly thereafter.

Stupers are prevalent in many assorted workplaces. In fact, it’s highly likely that there’s at least one stuper lurking among every ten employees in most companies. When I worked in the corporate world, our legal department had a staff of eight, two of which were certifiable dimwits. All the more reason to diligently exercise our minds. As the number of stupers rapidly increases, the demand for thinking humans will also rise. Imagine what those with working minds can accomplish.

Think.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Professional Stupidity | 6 Comments »